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Fighting Over the Check by Amy M. Phillips Two young mothers chat in Japanese as they finish their after-meal ocha at their favorite noodle restaurant. Meanwhile, four children try to control their laughter as they kick at each other under the table. Kids can bond over just about anything. My friends and I were no different. We folded paper cranes out of napkins, giggled as my brother poured shoyu into his water, and even got creative with the toothpicks and left over tsukemono. We were all pals while playing around, but as soon as the apron-sporting waitress set down the check, we got serious. Our mothers were about to engage in a battle, the battle over who would pay for lunch, and we were well trained and loyal to our respective masters. Paying for lunch was never simple, but that wasn't because no one wanted to pay. Although our mothers were careful with money, both moms always insisted on paying. Sometimes our side won, and sometimes we lost. We encouraged our mothers as they tried to grab the check first. If the check was closer to us kids, we got into it too. Getting to the check first didn't necessarily guarantee victory because someone else might swipe it from your hands if they caught you off guard. Whichever mother was left empty-handed practically begged the other to let her pay. It was often hard for us kids to believe these were the same people who said "no" whenever we begged for candy or toys. Our parents were never actually mad at each other when they fought over the bill. There were never really any hard feelings. Most of the time, when the issue of who would have the honor of paying was settled, everything at the table would return to normal. The mothers resumed their conversation and the kids continued to play together. But sometimes, the losing mother would try to offer the money to the winning mom's kids. That was the ultimate test of loyalty. For us kids, it was really exciting to think about all that money, but we knew Mom would be so upset if we accepted it. There were also kamikaze-style last ditch efforts. I have fond memories of my younger brother and I running down the street waving good-bye to our friends and chucking a ball of cash through their car window as they waved. After their mother caught on to our gimmick, there were times when she drove away so fast, I couldn't catch up no matter how hard I ran. The battle is, in a way, a sign of friendship. It's kind of like saying, "It is an honor and I appreciate your company." In their own way, our moms taught us that it was OK to spend money to enjoy a meal with friends. We could do without unnecessary things, such as candy and toys, so we could freely spend money with other people. I find myself thinking the same way now that I'm old enough to pay. One time, I had lunch with a youngish Japanese male. He had chosen a pretty expensive place for lunch and I felt kind of weird about letting him pay. So I pulled out a bill from my wallet and said I would pay for myself. Without flinching, he said OK, accepted my money, and gave me my exact change. I'm usually considered an "independent" sort of person and I was prepared to pay for my meal, but I do remember being a bit shocked. Maybe the price tag of meal had finally hit me, or maybe I was just surprised by his response. I think I was expecting to hear, "Oh, no. Don't worry about it." So that I could respond with, "That's OK. I insist," or something like that. Maybe it's a guy thing and only the women expect to fight over the check. But, my Japanese American friends, men as well as women argue over the check. Or it could be that the Japanese are more progressive these days and don't bother to fight over who gets to pay. But my English students from Japan always tried to pay, even when I said it was my treat. Or maybe he, as a Japanese guy, was trying really hard to be "American." Whatever the reason was, I didn't mind paying for my lunch. I never mind paying, but I might expect the other person to put up a good fight, and they can expect the same from me. My mother trained me well.

Amy Phillips is a recent graduate of Swarthmore College in Philadelphia and a big fan of Godzilla and cartoons. These days, she works on youth and community outreach at the Little Tokyo Service Center and is a youth leader at Gardena Valley Baptist Church.