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Koden and Me by Lloyd Kajikawa Wow! Look at all that money! I wonder who that's for? It was the most money I had ever seen in my short life. I was about 9 or 10 at the time. I don't remember whose funeral it was but we were back at someone's home and I saw these people counting money and writing things down in a book. I had no idea where the money came from and did not make connections to the funeral. After all, there was a party going on now! Of course, what I did not know then was the money came in the form of koden to the family of the deceased. Back then, I did not care about any of those things, nor did I know what koden was. I do remember hearing the word many times as I was growing up and learned that it was connected to funerals. But when I saw that large pile of money, I was just mightily impressed. As a sansei who now has grown children and only one living parent, I have come to gain a certain amount of "wisdom" and "knowledge" that I did not have as a younger person. I have come to view things like koden as a part of life, as a part of myself. However, this "learning" did not hit home until my father's death in 1995. When I was younger koden was always an obligation that I had to do because my mother told me to. Whether it was a relative or friend of the family, it did not matter. We had to give koden. I did not resent this because I always thought it was to help the family and I always wanted to help, but I did question the amount I had to give. In the recesses of my mind I can still hear grown-ups arguing about who was at a particular funeral and how much that person, or family, gave. I don't remember who the participants were, but the arguments were real and I remember the content of them vividly. And, it is these memories that have caused me to question not only the amount that I gave but why I had to give when I hardly knew the person who died? But with my father's death and the ensuing bookkeeping that was done with koden that was received, I have come to understand this much better. I cannot count the times in the past five years that my mother has consulted "the list." She knows exactly where it is and almost knows by heart who is on the list. She also has a good memory for the amounts that most people gave. I don't know who compiled the list of names and addresses and amounts, but it is very neatly done and it was very accurate (I know since I counted all the money and checks that were given). So, a circle is completed every time someone dies and "the list" is consulted and a card is either sent or taken to the services with a like amount of money that was received from the family when my father died. Without asking my mom, I surmised that the system of koden, not only showed respect for the deceased and the family, but it was some sort of economic system that supported all families in times of death. It began to make sense to me. But what happens when someone gives you a large sum of money? Are you obligated to reciprocate in kind? I asked my mother this question and she said, "No." Then why keep track of the amounts? Why don't we just have a list of who came to the services and then send them whatever we wanted to? "Because you have to know how much people gave." After much arguing, I realized that while you couldn't match the generosity of a rich person, you were expected to reciprocate for the "average" koden that was received. Without discussing it further, I surmised that if someone had given us $20 or even $50 when my father died, my mother would not hesitate to give that back. The "system" begins to breakdown when you pass the $100 mark. This is the "highest" level for which one is obliged to reciprocate, at least by my mother's logic. So, that's the rule that I've adopted and I don't argue with my mother any more about the amount. There are other things about koden that do warrant some thinking about especially if my yonsei children and their gosei children are to continue this practice. One thought is the necessity of koden itself. Why do we still do it? Does it have the meaning it once did for the issei and nisei? Each of us has to answer this. Does one give cash? Check? If you hardly know the deceased, and no one else in the family, who do you make the check out to? Because of this, I only give cash. When I was younger, I only remember seeing cash, probably because most people did not have checking accounts. What do you put the money in? I remember going to a Japanese store thinking I could get one of those envelopes with a black border and kanji on it, but they had no idea what I was talking about. Even my mother has resorted to English language sympathy cards. I remember as a kid seeing money in plain envelopes with no message of sympathy inside, just cash. The outside always had the name of the deceased, or the family name, and your name and address was on the back. I always thought that this was not the thing to do because the person opening the envelope or card would not be surprised if they saw your name and address on it. Since then I've come to realize it was not like receiving a birthday card. So, will the practice of koden continue? I can't say for sure, but I know that I will consult "the list" many times in my remaining years.